In case you don’t know it, there’s a golden opportunity for about a week after big elections to gloat about the results on the internet. These chances only come along every 2 years, so don’t waste any time. There’s great gobs of gloatin’ to be gotten! I swear, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Really. Let me show you.
There are literally millions of blog posts and comments from the 2012 summer and fall election season. All those bloggers and all their commenters need to be taught a lesson about their misguided beliefs and predictions. It was totally foolish of them to just put all that raw meat right out there for the world wide web to point fingers at. It would be a tragic waste to walk away from this election without taking a shot or two at them, just to make sure they know good and well how wrong they were.
I just don’t get it. Didn’t they realize they’d be wide open to ridicule if they turned out to be wrong? Didn’t they realize they shouldn’t be so vocal in participating in the public debate, with their statements so plainly documented forever like that? Talk about ignorant!.
There are so many posts to find and humiliate, there’s no time to waste. So I’m providing some easy instructions here for how to find them quickly and put them in their place:
1) Use Google’s blog search tool: http://www.google.com/blogsearch
2) Enter phrases like this (I’ll show how many results Google found this evening):
a. “Romney will win” (1.24M results)
b. “Romney victory” (770K results)
c. “Republican control of the senate” (39.2K results)
d. “Liberal bias in polling” (1.96M results)
e. “Romney landslide” (22.9M results)
f. “Ohio republican victory” (2.54M results)
See? I’m tellin’ ya’…it’s a target-rich environment, man. Can you believe these bloggers didn’t know how easily a search engine can be used like this AFTER the election when it’s known how it all turned out?
3) Once you have searched for these dupes, it’s time to dope-slap ‘em. Keep your comment to one short sentence or two, to make sure they can understand it easily. Obviously they can’t handle complicated thinkin’, so keep it short. Say things like this (click on the links to see real examples):
Oh by the way…this is very important: Don’t be stupid like them. Don’t comment BEFORE the election. How dumb is that? Make sure you wait until after the election results are known.
And also…if you are a blogger yourself, make sure you don’t leave a link for these ignorant people to track back to your blog. You don’t want them to start wasting YOUR time along with theirs.
Now here’s the best part:
4) As soon as you click submit, just imagine their faces when they read your short, razor sharp cut-down. Imagine that sinking feeling they’re getting in their stomach when they see how obviously right you are, and realize how ignorant they were. They are too uneducated to know it, but you are actually doing them a huge favor by discouraging them from wasting their time like this again.
Of course, in giving you this guide to political gloating in the blogosphere, I’m assuming that you don’t have any mature, productive, grown-up activities that might interfere with the time you must devote to this important job. If you do, try to get those over with ASAP so you can get back to hours and hours of napalming the blogosphere. It really is pure joy.