Let’s practice smiling again. Maybe these stories will help:
AN OLD MAN WALKS INTO THE BARBERSHOP for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to stretch out the skin.
When he finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years. But he wants to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replies, “You’d just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”
ONCE UPON A TIME there lived a man who had an insatiable passion for baked beans. Though he loved them, they always had a very embarrassing and lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “She is such a sweet girl, she will never put up with my habit.” So, he made the supreme sacrifice . . . . and gave up beans. They were married shortly thereafter.
Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small diner and the aroma of fresh baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he would work off any ill effects before he got home, so he stopped at the diner. In no time, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans.
All the way home he vented, and upon arriving felt reasonably safe that he was finished. His wife, seeming nervous and excited to see him, met him at the door and exclaimed “Darling, I have a big surprise for dinner tonight!” She blindfolded him, led him to his chair at the head of the dining table, and seated him.
Just as she began to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold, then went to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight and let go. It was loud and ripe as rotten eggs. He used the napkin from his lap to vigorously fan the air about him. The oxygen level had almost returned to normal when he felt another coming on, so he let go again. This was a real paint-peeler.
Keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he went on like this for some minutes, until the phone farewells indicated the end of his freedom. He placed the napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly to himself, he was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned, apologizing for taking so long.
She asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not. At this point she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise . . . . a colorful cake frosted with “Happy Birthday, Honey”, and twelve of their closest friends seated around the table.
(This last one is supposedly a true story.) ON JULY 20th 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to earth and heard by millions. What is less well known is a brief statement said half under his breath when he was re-entering the lunar capsule after the first moon-walk. He said, “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.” That part wasn’t on the major network feeds and was only heard by a few journalists who later listened to the complete tapes.
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, Armstrong was occasionally asked about this remark, to which he’d always say that it was a private remark he didn’t care to talk about. Then, on July 5th 1995, in Tampa Florida, he was asked again by a journalist about the 26-year-old question. He said something to the effect, “Well, OK, they’re dead now and no harm can be done.” So he finally explained:
One day in 1938 in a small Midwest town, young Neil was out playing baseball in the backyard with his brother and one of them hit the ball into their neighbor’s backyard. Their neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
Neil ran into the Gorsky’s backyard to get the ball, and from an open bedroom window heard Mrs. Gorsky yelling at Mr. Gorsky: “You want that kind of sex?! You’ll get that kind of sex the day the kid next door walks on the moon!!”
Do you have any smile-provoking stories with a punchline to share?